as the decades pass we lose friends, acquaintances, family. they are all called “beloved”, even those that weren’t...or who weren’t a lot of the time.conscious ageing calls for awareness of all that is, including the shadows, the aspects of ourselves that we prefer not to see or to be seen. in the shadow dwell the parts of ourselves that we regard as shameful, ugly, harmful. there we find that which is unhealed and raw.in the context of a loss, what do we do with the shadow that dwells inside? what of the anger, even rage we might feel toward the person who has died? what of the frustration and resentment? what of the unexpressed issues and hurts? what of the relief that might come at the person’s death? can these be acknowledged inwardly and outwardly? where is the safe space to say these things that are “speaking ill of the dead”?while the public face of mourning and grief might demand we speak only of the person’s good deeds, their humility, their great (and not so great) accomplishments, their generosity, what can we do with their miserliness, their lack of personal skills, their insensitivity, their need to control?how do we acknowledge these aspects of the deceased so that they remain a whole person? so that we can remain whole?
walk in the shadowsrefrain from the bright sunlightstay indoors under shelterlick the woundsspeak the hurt, the pain, the reliefperform personal rituals, away from the gaze of otherswithdraw into the shell of protectionsit with friends who can hear and hold these feelingstake relaxing bathseat what nurtures and gives comfortdrink many cups of calming infusionsbe fully authentic and true to yourselfuntil it is finisheduntil it is safe to go outside in the sunshine againuntil the sun itself beckons your presenceuntil the need for company arisesuntil the desire to be amongst people callsuntil the rituals have become dryuntil the desire for comfort feels oppressiveuntil the desire for a shower arisesuntil the need for stimulation is presentuntil it is rightuntil it is trueuntil it is real